The History of Birbism

Autism, Writing

[Note: I wrote this to amuse myself and I am aware that, as a metaphor, it’s full of holes and problems. I have Awareness™ of these inconsistencies and imperfections. All I can say is it’s about as logical as the mainstream history of Autism and only here for a laugh. Enjoy.]

Once upon a time, there was a brilliant science-ologist called Leo Bunner.

Leo Bunner.jpg

The eminent Dr. Leo Bunner

He made a discovery of a new kind of bunny that behaved quite oddly. It didn’t like to live in burrows with other bunnies, didn’t make the proper bunny sounds, hopped around on only two of its legs, and had certain distinct physical deformities as well, such as pointed snouts and almost imperceptibly tiny ears.

Dr. Bunner described this strange bunny as suffering from a disorder called Birbism. He found that all bunnies with birbism were male and were quite low functioning bunnies.

birb

Bunny tragically afflicted with birbism

At around the same time, another brilliant science-ologist called Hans Asbunner made a similar discovery.

Hans Asbunner.jpg

The great Hans Asbunner

Asbunner discovered bunnies with a disorder much like the ones with birbism that Dr. Bunner studied, but these bunnies not only had tragically disordered behavior, they also had some spectacular superpowers, like flying! This special group was said to have Asbunner’s syndrome.

birb 2

Bunny with high functioning birbism, also known as Asbunner’s Syndrome

Bunnies with Asbunner’s Syndrome were also determined to be exclusively male. Until, a few decades later, a clever new science-ologist named Simon Bunny-Cohen noticed that a small number of bunnies with birbism were actually female!

sascha bun-cohen

Very clever researcher Simon Bunny-Cohen

He thus determined that these female bunnies had extreme male birb brain which is how they ended up having birbism.

extreme male birb brain

Female with birbism feeding her young

Of course, Bunny-Cohen is most well known for describing the way bunnies with birbism are sadly completely unable to read the minds of normal bunnies and tend to just hop around making meaningless chirping sounds. Unlike normal bunnies who possess telepathic powers and excellent communication skills.

theory of mines

Normal bunny showing the tragic lack of Theory of Mine of a bunny with birbism 

Some smart bunny scholars like Tony Attbunny and Tania Marbunny built upon Bunny-Cohen’s research about females with birbism by noting that it may be difficult to find the girl ones because they are super good at camouflage and putting on a clever bunny costume of brown furlike substance (really dirt and dust!) to hide birbism.

girl birb

Amazing photo of female bunny with birbism in a clever disguise, trying to trick everyone into thinking she is normal bunny!

Nowadays seems like everyone is getting diagnosed with birbism, but most of these bunnies are just trying to get attention.

hey mom

Young bunny faking it has birbism just to feel special

Remember that only a qualified professional can accurately diagnose birbism.

birbs so crazy

Professionals can evaluate whether an attention seeking bunny really has birbism or is just a silly bunny

Another controversy these days is all the Biodiversity activists who insist they are not disordered bunnies but are normal birbs? Whoooo knows.

owl

You don’t need to listen to them because fortunately for all of us the work of Ivar Bunaas has given us many ways to make bunnies with birbism disorders act more normal-ish, like rewarding them with carrots when they do bun things and shocking them with electricity with when they are bad bad bunnies (it doesn’t hurt them because they do not have any Theory of Mine). This is called ABA (Applied Bunny Abuse) and is very science!!

ababun

Our hero in birbism science-ology, Ivar Bunaas

April is the month of spreading Birbism Awareness™ so we can help more disordered bunnies get more ABA. And we should do this because bunnies with birbism are burdens to normal bunnies.

burden

Photo showing a poor Birbism Mom having to carry her bunny with birbism around on her back all the time it’s very exhausting

You can spread Birbism Awareness™ on toast with a butter knife, spread it all over the seats on the bus with your dirty shoes, also spreading Awareness™ by sneezing all over without covering your face is a very effective method of spreading Birbism Awareness. You can also show awareness by wearing ribbons all over yourself and sticking them to your car and Facebunny pages.

ribbon

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